Vampires Over Broadway

Cavernous small theatre, Greenwich Village, New York, dusk.

SOUND of Call bell ringing, blurring of voices.

AT RISE: VLADMIR enters the stage, stylish, all in black, jeans, scarf, sunglasses.

VLADMIR (to audience, annoyed): Okay kids, there seems to be confusion about this audition. Sit down, sit down.

DIAMOND AND BLUE: You talking to us?

VLADMIR (CONT’D): You’re in callbacks right, but this is like the middle of the audition for me. Me and my co-workers will put you through the paces. All night if necessary. Ha! Ready? (Vladmir waves and a HEADLESS WOMAN hands out forms.)

DIAMOND: Are we supposed to acknowledge her/that?

BLUE: Not politically correct —

VLADMIR (CONT’D): After the next round of cuts, two actors will remain. I’m looking for one boy and one girl.

DIAMOND (hyper nervous): Always the diminutive. Wee. Tiny. (singing from Chorus Line) “Who am I anyway? Am I my resume?”

VLADMIR: Quiet. I want to learn more about you, and so I’ll ask you to sign these forms and introduce yourselves again more... rawly. Childhood, adulthood, diagnoses, sexual dysfunction.

BLUE: Weird. Kinda.

VLADMIR (CONT’D): Remember. We can terminate your audition at any moment if we feel you’re not taking it seriously. Anything you say may become part of the show and belongs to us.

DIAMOND: Would I really want it anyway?

VLADMIR: The structure today will be interview, love scene, death scene.

BLUE: Death scene?

DIAMOND (repeats, terrified): Interview, love scene, death scene.

VLADMIR (romantic, flirtatious): It should go quickly. No torture. I cut as soon as I can. I’m a guy who can bite his finger, make it bleed and restore it at once.

BLUE: Wow. That’s —

VLADMIR (CONT’D): The magic of theatre!

BLUE: Ooh... ah.

VLADMIR (CONT’D): Ta. Ta! You’ll witness the super human in this room because of our heightened sensory technology. Don’t let it bother you. It’s all VIRTUAL. Hahaha. We’re looking for fresh young blood. But one couple will be cast. Adam and Eve. Sw-e-e-t. Once you’re chosen, there’ll be a largesse of compensation.

DIAMOND: Could you explain the steps again?

BLUE (trying to calm down): Are there sides for the scenes?

VLADMIR: No. Each step is a surprise because we want you totally in the moment. You are very beautiful. You are very beautiful. There are only a few issues to satisfy. (Exits)

DIAMOND (looks, to make sure Vladmir is gone, desperate): My gut clenches at these theatre —

BLUE (warning): The word “issues” never rings well.

DIAMOND (CONT’D): But we’ve made the last cut.

BLUE: Don’t ask for anything.

DIAMOND (CONT’D): Our bank account is down to $10.

BLUE: Right, yep.

DIAMOND (CONT’D): But I’m personally not requesting anything. Because we know that engenders hatred. You can always distance yourself.

BLUE: Everything discussed is about the role.

DIAMOND: Nothing is about me.

BLUE: Find out his issues so we can strategize.

DIAMOND (CONT’D): It’s hard for me not to get any money for all this angst.

BLUE: Keep communication light.

DIAMOND (CONT’D): That’s tough. Because I feel this anxiety from him that he wants to focus on... something. (BELL RINGS. Blue and Diamond go onstage.)

VLADMIR (calls out, vicious): Let’s start with the girl. (To Blue) You, sit over there in case.

BLUE: In case?

VLADMIR: We need clarification. (harsh) Tell us your biological age, honey.

BLUE (mouthing to her): Don’t do it.